Origins Story

Trigger Warning: eating disorders, body dysmorphia, self-destructive behaviors, domestic violence references, suicidal thoughts. 

It's important to acknowledge things that have framed my paradigm and to remember why Yoga Where U R Planted exists.

Well, it all started with a total breakdown — rumination, hypervigilance, intense and crippling episodes of body dysmorphia, restrictive eating rituals or “fasting,”suicidal thoughts and ideation, social anxiety, confinement, paranoid obsessions about my partner...

Young Yoga

My mom bought me a yoga VHS tape out of a giant sale bin from Walmart when I was maybe 12 or 13. No idea what the style was, but I noticed everyone was skinny, impeccably groomed and in classy, monochromatic clothing. I began practicing yoga in person around 14, hot power yoga. At the time, I was already anorexic, and it felt so right to be pushing/punishing myself so hard. I was also proud to be the youngest one there. There were mirrors all around, allowing us to see ourselves from any angle. I would often alternate between avoiding looking right at myself and getting lost in a perceived flaw when I did.

This is a relationship that mirrors and I have had for a long time. In part, I think it developed to distract from the other thing that has sometimes happened when I look into mirrors - I see myself and just feel no connection to the fact that it's me. I used to sit on the counter in my bathroom as young as 8 and press my face up to the glass, look into my eyes. I would have trouble feeling my name, where I was, where I lived. I would recite my address, my full name, other facts about me and just hope it would feel real again soon. Sometimes it wouldn't, and I would spend whole days like a robot. It was often hard to look people in the eyes, and everything felt like a recitation or a play. I hoped no one would notice that I was acting. My family liked to joke that I loved looking at myself in the window by the kitchen table. They didn't understand what was actually happening.

I continued hot yoga until 28 at varying intensities (sometimes a lot, sometimes taking long breaks). Because of the elaborate setup required in my climate, I was not able to develop a sustainable self-practice and did no pranayama and little meditation. I tried Bikram, Baptiste and just general power hot yoga styles. Following a move to France, I began yoga video courses off and on. But during the first confinement in 2020, as for many, emotional and psychological issues that I had been able to soldier through or triage to functioning level came to the forefront.

The Breakdown That broke the camel's back

Right before confinement, something just as scary had begun to happen - I had actually trusted someone. Let them into my daughter's and my lives. I fell into happiness, not expecting it at all, and all the while telling myself it was“nothing serious,”was“just a fling”and that“no one could love a single mother AND her daughter,”that“I could never have a family" and even“families are an illusion." Things were all fine and dandy until this man suggested we...get a house together.

You wouldn't think that would be a trigger, but for reasons beyond the scope of this post, it was. Immediately, I started to evaluate this person in a completely different light. Horrible thoughts crowded my brain. I was unable to focus or be in his presence. Every message, every word took on sinister or hurtful connotations. I became terrified of him and put up some hard blocks. I was no longer natural or at ease around him, which had been such a welcome new feeling before.

When we would go on romantic drives he planned to look at cottages in the French countryside with fun activities along the way for my daughter so she wouldn't get bored in the car and educational activity books for her, sandwiches for us, all I could think was...”maybe he'll fall in love with my daughter when she's older,"“I don't deserve to be loved because of my past,”“why is he trying to trick us into getting so close to him,"“he'll leave me for a younger woman,"“he's probably cheating on me right now with someone in the city and wants to move us into the country,”“what does he really want from me,"“it's only because he hasn't seen my stomach in the daylight,”“maybe he'll start hitting me out here, isolated in the country...”Truly. Vile. Thoughts. That felt so real, yet didn't make any sense with the evidence before me. Triggered is an understatement. I felt like I was driving a train too fast and straight off a cliff, but I couldn't stop. I felt compelled.

I would describe the situation to friends, and they just wouldn't get it. Things spiraled, and I couldn't even spend a couple hours with him without having to hide in the bathroom, pressing on my temples, sometimes crying, hoping the thoughts would go away, that my stomach would stop churning and my vertigo would subside. My whole body would be in a tensed and heightened state - a threat was perceived. Afraid to be seen, because I felt so hideous compared to other people he'd been with. Afraid to hear him speak, for fear another thing would be misconstrued and I'd spend hours ruminating over it. Fights erupted. After a string of big blowouts, we stopped talking for several weeks.

Week 6 of Quarantine

Then we were confined...We had planned to weather it together, once it was clear what might happen but couldn't get things prepared in time. We lived .3 kilometers outside of the radius we were allowed to travel, and so we didn't see each other for a full eight weeks. Needless to say, not being able to see each other plus the stress of the unfolding global crisis enhanced my existing problems. I spent hours crying in bed, calling him, fighting, sending mean messages. I was terrified to leave the house. Then, I would alternate into extreme guilt for not being as good of a mother as I should be. I would try to hide in my room after setting up elaborate games, movies, food feasts, so my child wouldn't know how deranged I felt. I would plan activities and try to be there for her but would have to disassociate and inhabit a school teacher persona just so she wouldn't see. Not to mention my general fear of getting sick and possibly dying, along with everyone else I ever cared about.

My whole yoga and self-care journey began during lock down. I was teaching at the University and the changes there also produced a lot of stress and questioning of my path. I was alone with my daughter in a foreign country with no other family or support, confined in an apartment. A few weeks in, my partner told me that I needed to seek mental care or we couldn't be together anymore, and he stopped speaking to me. I trolled the internet for options. I didn't have much money and had had really negative experiences with forced therapy and therapeutic interventions in my teens and early twenties. I found an affordable, online, cognitive behavioral therapy program whose module format resonated with my academic proclivities - in fact this wasn't therapy, I was just taking a course (with a once per week live therapy component and asynchronous 24-hour response from said therapist on my additional messages with feedback on my worksheets and journal...). I was so suspicious of this program - would they sell my private admissions? Was it legitimate? Who were these people? Could they be trusted? My therapist was a Christian, would she try to evangelize me? Would they steal my money? What was this CBT stuff anyway (it sounded a lot like CBD, but I was sure it wouldn't be as relaxing)? They'll probably think I'm too weird or crazy to help. What if they take my daughter away because they think I'm so defective?

Baby Steps Forward (and back)

Week 9 Vlog of 365 days of yoga, complaining my arms are getting“big” because of too many chaturangas.

Around the seventh week of confinement and my second week of therapy, I realized that I needed to do something physical to help my mind. I committed to doing yoga for 365 days straight (of course, this didn't actually happen, but the intention was there). I also decided to record my progress week by week and to in general explore different types of yoga and the effect of a regular self-practice on my physical, emotional, mental and relational experiences. Though my body got a lot more fit, and my mind began to feel clearer, it wasn't enough to consistently improve the inner critic. There are some pretty cringey diatribes about my body in certain vlogs (see left)....perhaps for another time.

In the third week of the CBT program, the therapist told me she was treating me for C-PTSD (though she couldn't make an official diagnosis online). I had never heard of it before. She emphasized that diagnoses are only beneficial to have a common vocabulary to approach symptoms and experiences. Following a myriad of diagnoses since my teens which never really fit all of what I was experiencing (bipolar, depression, borderline personality, generalized anxiety), and after having struggled with varying symptoms all my life and not realizing what it was, upon reading about C-PTSD, I never felt that something was so right.

Surrounded by love but hard to truly smile.

Some of the main recommendations were yoga, meditation and great books - like“The Complex PTSD Workbook" (Schwartz). More and more, I began to lean into savasana, even occasionally doing long practices on YouTube which ended in a meditation. My symptoms improved, and upon graduating from the program and the end of confinement, my partner and I started seeing each other again. We decided after several months to move in together and to commit to finding a house, as a couple. I stopped working at the university, and my yoga became less consistent. I didn't meditate at all. All of the problematic behaviors - derealization, black and white thinking, catastrophizing, self-deprication, hypervigilant suspicions (sometimes even paranoid ideations), intense sadness, nightmares, bouts of insomnia or night-waking and more flooded back in. Of course, more confinements came, which significantly impacted our ability to find a house. It also kept me from being able to travel home, update my papers, get another job. I hit one of the lowest places I've been.

Crashing Down Again

Daughter's portrait of me...in my daily position at our new home.

Then in February 2021, I saw an Ayurvedic practitioner who introduced me to the importance of a routine, and I tried to create one, for the first time ever in my life. I incorporated Ayurvedic self-care practices, some meditation and yoga nidra, continuing to do varying styles of yoga via online lives and YouTube - restorative, slow, yin, vinyasa and even power. We found a house, moved into the country. I finished a masters in sociolinguistics. We had our dream life....but something was still missing. I still wasn't happy.

I felt resentful, disassociated, suspicious, most days. Looking in the mirror was impossible. Sometimes, I would spend long periods staring at my stomach or a section of my face in the mirror just basking in how horrible I thought it was, sometimes picking at myself, making mental lists of things I could do to myself to make it better - this usually had something to do with lasers. I slept for long hours, couldn't get up, felt too distracted to complete anything until maybe the last minute if at all, was totally hopeless and convinced I was a hideous troll, who unless she underwent expensive and dangerous cosmetic surgeries, could never be lovable. Constantly racked with guilt that this was a terrible example to my daughter and often forcing myself to depersonalize and pretend in front of her so she wouldn't be traumatized by my behavior, I was unable to enjoy any moment. Either I wasn't REALLY there, or I was miserable. Emotional resilience was close to zero. I was practicing some meditation and yoga, grasping for help. I knew I needed to go deeper, but because of my upbringing, I was afraid to go too deep into anything and lose myself.

Yoga Where U r Planted's Foundations

• Muti-Style Yoga 200-Hr

  In February 2022, I began a multi-style yoga teacher training and have since practiced yoga, pranayama and short meditations consistently each week. The massive increase in mental and physical health since beginning pranayama and meditation regularly has caused rapid shifts in awareness and purpose for me. Because of the curriculum's focus on hatha yoga, I discovered the integrality of yoga philosophy, notably all eight limbs (the primordiality of ahimsa) and their incremental design. Training in yoga, seeing the value of incorporating passive and active, dynamic and slow, in essence, the importance of balance and consistency, has set me on the path to heal aspects of my complex trauma at a staggering level. I dreamed of sharing these mindset shifts and tools, as well as ones I continued to learn, with others who may have similar issues.

• Trauma Center Trauma Sensitive Yoga

  After the 200-hr YTT, I took the 20-hr foundations for Trauma-Sensitive Trauma Center Yoga in April 2022. There are so many different programs that talk about being trauma-informed, but I wanted something that could ensure that the tools and methods offered are rooted in research and are safe. I only know my experience, but having had serious bouts of suicidal thoughts and extreme emotions, depersonalization, disassociation, total distrust in any system of meaning and even the idea of having one, questioning psychology as a field (or any field for that matter), I know that triggering someone else or doing something in a harmful way could have very serious and devastating consequences. The TCTSY community has proved indispensable in developing awareness of helpful and potentially harmful yogic practices for those with a history of trauma, as well as an excellent resource for finding other programs, practitioners and staying up-to-date with research on yoga and key themes like trauma-informed and trauma-sensitive language, yoga and eating disorders, co-regulation, the nervous system and trauma, embodiment and interoception, increased sense of wellbeing, taking effective action, choice making, self-actualization and others. I received my 300-hr TCTCY-F certification in March 2024.

• Mindful Self-Compassion

  By chance, I stumbled upon the amazing resources of Kristen Neff and Chris Germer, founders of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, to help with self-acceptance and the inner critic. Adapting one of their body scan meditations for use during a class taught while training and seeing the positive response convinced me that I needed to study Mindful Self-Compassion even more. I began the official MSC 8-week Introductory course and am continually enriched by the power of MSC techniques for cultivating emotional resilience, many of which are heavily researched with compelling results. The key for me however has been in finding doable and accessible ways to incorporate self-compassion into one's life at a given moment - whether it be directly via meditations or targeted exercises that can bring awareness to aspects of ourselves that help or hinder the development of MSC or indirectly via mindful self-compassion behaviors. The latter are an excellent way to begin slowly gravitating toward more productive and loving self-talk, not to mention reducing stress, anxiety and fostering an increased sense of wellbeing, awareness and robust boundaries. MSC also provides tools to deal with problematic or troublesome relationships and to take effective action toward more healthy behaviors motivated by loving-kindness rather than harsh criticism. This can complement or lay the groundwork to explore more direct activities like reflective writing prompts, meditation on mindful compassion phrases and more. The mindful self-compassion method has personally sparked several insights on unresolved issues which I hadn't been ready to discuss in therapy before, preparing me to seek more specialized support to work on these in my own time.

• Trauma-Informed Yoga Therapy

  Wanting a way to provide sequences and practices that are tailored to clients' needs and histories, all the while unifying scientific research and medicine with yogic wisdom, led me to begin an 850-hour IAYT-certified Yoga Therapy program with the Yoga Therapy Institute (based in the Netherlands). Yoga Therapy places an emphasis on evidence-based practices and ethics, an awareness of contraindications, safety and education on resources for when a client needs more and how to help refer them to the right place. This is essential in working with those that may seek services at YWURP. I was enlightened by all the coursewok on how YT approaches somatic manifestations of complex trauma, past restrictive eating and low body image, like chronic inflammation, poor gut health, weakened general microbiome, adrenal issues from always being in fight/flight/freeze/faint/fawn mode and other nervous system and cardiopulmonary dysregulation as well as muscular and postural dis-ease, via the intersection of research-based and traditional-wisdom-centered frameworks to affect whole person health, a sense of well-being and awareness. As of May 2023, I have been accepting clients as part of the case-study phase of certification. To be a case study client, click here.

• Certified Breathwork Instructor

  For me, the gateway into the parts of yoga beyond the poses has been the breath. During our first month of YTT, I had the benefit of doing pranayama (traditional yogic breathwork) and meditation every morning. The next month, every morning began with an hour and a half of pranayama and meditation. The last month ended with breathwork every afternoon. I had tried meditation before, but never really much breathwork, only just briefly in the context of a yoga class. Focusing on my breath has been a huge game changer. The couple weeks I wasn't doing it regularly after graduating from YTT, I noticed regression in most aspects of my improved well-being. Now, I have come to a more balanced place where breath awareness or micro-breathwork (sighs or less than a minute nervous system modulation with breakwork) is a part of my natural habits. While it isn't recommended for all those with a history of trauma, I wanted to be equipped for those that would be open to safely incorporate it, and I wanted to encourage myself to continue to do it consistently. I truly believe in its power for change, when the practitioner is ready. As a result, I am in the process of became a Certified Breathwork Instructor via the Life Awareness Project (YogaLap).

• 3WT Wellbeing Coaching and IFS-Informed Certifications

  I became certified as a 3 Wisdom Traditions wellness coach, wanting to be able to safely work with individuals via collaborative, adaptable and above all bespoke wellness plans. This program combines Psychology, Yoga and Ayurveda to create actionable frameworks in collaboration with clients toward their well-being goals. It is informed by various psychological concepts from theoretical modelings of the nervous system and the stress response (like Dan Siegal's Window of Tolerance), methods from mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapy and transpersonal psychology. Trauma theory and other psychological concepts in union with yogic and Ayurvedic philosophies, seeking to foster resilience, routine, self-regulation, nervous system toning and more via a psychospiritual model. One of the indispensable tenets in this model is that regularly rejecting neutral or positive (and later more challenging) present moment experiences via a variety of behaviors (which previously may have served to keep someone safe) creates inner turmoil that can lead to a contracted and false sense of self. Furthermore, the program in itself adds immense insight into the way these three traditions combine to provide a powerful methodology for reducing emotional, mental and somatic manifestations of anxiety, stress, trauma and depression. I combine this method with my 20-hr Internal Family Systems training to offer wellbeing coaching. IFS is a psychological approach that views the creation of parts of self as inherent to human existence. In IFS, the more self-energy, internal communication and compassion that one can extend to parts, the lessening of suffering and internal conflict one experiences. IFS offers a wide variety of tools and methods to explore parts, including movement, art and mirrored discussion. To learn more about my approach to wellbeing coaching, click here.

• Supplementary Trainings and Certifications in Yoga, Yoga Therapy and Mindfulness

  Finally, all along this journey, I've continued to bolster my training with supplementary short courses and certifications the applications of yoga, yoga therapy and mindfulness mental and physical health challenges like disordered eating, anxiety and panic attacks, highly sensitive people and more. For a complete up-to-date list of my qualifications and trainings, please see the about Emily page.

Coda + Vision

Even when I first began YWURP, I used to tell myself that it's not true, that I don't have a history of complex trauma, that there's nothing "wrong”with me. For a few hours (or days), I lived in a fake little bubble in my head. But when I stopped and inhabited my body (or came crashing down from a trigger), read the symptoms, I couldn't deny that I am coming off the page. I couldn't deny that the most crucial factor to me being alive and thriving right now, the thing that's helped tether me to the ground for the first time in so long, that's giving me clarity, is a yogic mindset. This grounding in yoga and commitment to an intention to learn more helped me stay consistent in developing a long-term therapeutic relationship with a mental health partner, giving me the foundation and resources to begin exploring my own psychological wellness, understanding my parts and begin processing my trauma history in therapy. It has kept me strong and grounded when I received first a dissociative subtype of complex trauma treatment plan and then later the news that I was being treated for a dissociative disorder.

My own healing and learning journey continues. In this process of continual self-discovery, I confirm yet again that I really do have C-PTSD, a history of anorexia and bulimia and orthorexia, generalized anxiety, tendencies toward body dysmorphia and obsessive behaviors, a dissociative disorder, and I really do think I could help others thrive using tools I have cultivated over the last several years - mainly yogic philosophy and practice as well as a mindset and routine favoring self-acceptance and self-care in complement to a larger physical, mental, general wellnes and peer support whole-person healthcare network.

Finally getting to soak up moments with this garden sprite more and more...though presence is always something to work at.

Truly, being confined, not able to go anywhere to distract from what had always been inside, and thus seeking therapy online when I felt inches away from drastic self-harm is the only reason I discovered C-PTSD and am in the place I am today- in the healthiest relationship I've ever had (far from perfect), being a better mother, working enough to afford to live, graduated with a second masters in a field I love and pursuing this passion of yoga.

YWURP's mission is to facilitate clients in conjunction with other health professionals, as medical and psychological treatment can change lives, lifting people to a functioning level and beyond, so they can share their beauty with the world. I think raising awareness about complex trauma is also key, as people are often mis-diagnosed. Personally, I went through a lot of emotional ups downs and dangerous and pointlessly harmful situations, including more-than-questionable drug and alcohol use and self-abuse before discovering that complex trauma even existed. YWURP aims to be a factor in breaking that cycle.

No one's progress is linear and consistent. That's why I am in no way a guru, leader or even a teacher. Yoga Where U R Planted is a community in which I am a facilitator, learning, growing and applying what I find to share with others in similar situations. A hub where I seek to safely couple my personal experiences, yogic and wellness training and a trauma-informed mindset to collaborate with others on their well-being. I know that I will likely never be "cured," and that's another reason why keeping these mental and physical struggles close to my heart is important - it helps staying mindful and not falling into old patterns. I'm on the path too and hope to link hands with as many people as I can so we can move forward together. Seeing someone else more frequently experience grounded, emotionally-regulated living and eventually a fulfilling, choice-driven life based on their true intentions even in part because of YWURP would be...perfection (reclaiming a word that has caused a lot of ache).